Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Tree

First of all, I want you to picture me doing a high kick and an elaborate karate chop.

Because that's so what I'm doing right now.

Just got clearance from on high at work to enroll in the grad class next semester, and thus plan my work day around it.  Come January, I will so be whining about this, but right now I'm on cloud nine that the scheduling has worked out.  For your information, I will also be complaining about it in February, March, April, and May of 2014.  So, consider yourself warned.

I am coveting my neighbor's tree.

It's one of the few where the leaves turn red (instead of yellow/orange) and I'm lucky enough to get to stare at it out my front window all the time.  I'm fairly sure my neighbor thinks I'm stalking her.  But I watch Homeland, which is to say if I were stalking her, she would have no idea.  She would be none the wiser because I can channel Carrie like nobody's business and go all surveillance-crazy up in there. Except for the mental crises and all that.

At first I was jealous that we don't have a tree like that but then I realized that this is the best possible scenario.  Our neighbors have to stare at our crappy yard.  BUT!  We get to stare at their manicured lawns and forget about our own squalor.  It's like the best of both worlds.  If we look out the window at just the right (Wright!) angle, we can't see our own yard at all.

OK, book recommendation.

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! (Stories) by Jonathan Goldstein

Notice the word "stories!" in the title.  That's important because this isn't commentary or any type of accurate or sensitive depiction of the Bible.  It is a collection of the most popular Old Testament stories, conveyed in an entertaining way for the twenty-first century reader.  There's "Adam and Eve," "David and Goliath," "Samson and Delilah," you get the idea.  But there's also, say, the story of Gomer, the golden calf broker who unintentionally causes quite a stir for poor Moses.  The book is hilarious - laugh out loud, take this on a plane, hilarious - and a quick & easy read.  Don't go looking for Biblical truths in it, but with that said, there are some nuanced characterizations (Jacob/The Serpent) and some startling insight to be found here.  Within his satire, you can tell that the author knew his Biblical details.

Let me just say that this book is like if David Sedaris wrote about the Bible.  In fact, he endorsed the book.  Which is to say it's not all that...biblical.  But it's hilarious and only the teensy-weensiest bit irreverent at times.  For instance, Noah is portrayed as such a crotchety old wrathful guy that I'm making G read that chapter.

"From then on Eve talked about the tree of knowledge all the time.  It was tree of knowledge this and tree of knowledge that.  It was like it wasn't a tree at all, but a movie star.  Sometimes she would just stand by the tree and stare at it.  It was on such an occasion that she met the snake.

When Eve first caught sight of him, she brought her hand to her mouth and gasped.  She had seen some repulsive animals in her day - a booby that percolated her vomit to just beneath her tonsils, a dingo that instilled in her a sublime sense of nature's cruelty, and a death-watch beetle that filled her with existential dread - but still, there was something about the snake that made her realize in a flash that the world was anywhere from sixty to eighty percent oilier than she would have ever imagined.

'Hi,' said the snake.  'In the mood for some fruit of knowledge?  It's fruity.'

'We were told not to eat from that tree, or else we would die,' said Eve.

'Die! What an ignorant thing to say,' said the snake, all chewing on a blade of grass in the side of his mouth.  'If there is a trap door in paradise, then it is not really paradise, is it?'

The snake made interesting points.  That appealed to Eve.  He could see he was making an impression."

If you believe that the Biblical narrative is not to be tinkered with, not even in fiction or as sidebar entertainment, this is so not the book for you.  If you are in one of those seasons of life where you find the Bible necessary daily food, or encouragement, or motivation, then this is not the time to read this.  The humor won't help you.  The Bible will.

But, if you can stand a cuss word or two, a couple of lines of inappropriate dialogue (not from God), and would like to approach the traditional OT hero stories from a different perspective, give this one a shot.  Better yet, do a shot, then start reading.  :)