Lately

My friend, Em, was here this past week and, well, there was a lot of food. We tried a new (to me) brunch spot called Sassafras and OMG. I will be going back there again, and again.

You guys. This is a buttermilk biscuit topped with a homemade Pimento spread and pickles, fried chicken, eggs, and duck fat gravy.

Duck fat gravy.

I'm gonna just give you a minute.

In other news, we got Roo Roo this cat tunnel and she mostly just gets stuck in it and lays down for a while. It kills me.

She was mama's lil Valentine.

It has been beyond cold in Denver. I haven't ridden my bike in weeks because of snow and ice on the trail. My legs are like, "This is fabulous, and also, pass the pizza."

A friend gave me this plant clipping and I'm just waiting for it to sprout some new roots so I can plant it in a pot. I'm upping the ante in the ol' bay window. Slow and steady wins the race against G and his green prejudices. (He says he can see bugs around the house. There are no bugs around the house.)

Roo Roo claimed the tree skirt at Christmas and it has become her magic carpet. Our morning ritual is, she lays on it and plays in the library while I drink coffee and work on my thesis (i.e., stare out the front window).

I've had a couple of nervous breakdowns lately about the thesis. I got overwhelmed with the theory portion and my advisor had to talk some sense into me. All is well now and I'm plugging along on it. I'm sure I'll only have to rewrite it about 14 more times before I graduate.

I've also tentatively started sending my CV out and looking for teaching jobs. (When I graduate, I'll have to teach at other colleges in order to remain a writing consultant at this one.) I've received some enthusiastic responses, which is a good sign, and I'm hoping fall enrollment is good and strong everywhere so I'll get a few more classes under my belt.

With our crazy schedules and visitors, G and I are two ships passing in the night. He brought home these flowers the other day and this has become my favorite view.

I've been able to read for fun, though! Life is starting to shift in that way.

Not only that. I've been watching TV, too! Top Chef Denver is almost done but that's OK because the latest season of Homeland just started up again and next month the season finale of The Americans comes on.

Yesterday I helped a friend move out of her apartment and clean it, which brought back all kinds of PTSD from that phase of life. (BFJ, if you are reading this, I kept thinking about that Hawaii apartment you helped me clean. Me: "Thanks for helping and everything, but I mean, I AM giving you this dish drainer so..." You: "Yes, I'm the one with the better end of this deal.") So, so glad to be settled in a house.

Well, loves, this thesis ain't gonna write itself. Not sure how much my involvement is adding to it, but hey, I gotta graduate.

Game of Thrones

Reconcile

On my way to teach class this afternoon, I passed a service dog in training. He was a big boy, tail wagging non-stop as he sniffed everyone who walked by. Knowing that I'm supposed to "ignore" working animals, I high-tailed it past him with no acknowledgement.

And it basically killed me.

On my bike ride home this afternoon I saw something I have never seen in Denver. A man was walking off the trail, his dog on a leash sniffing the creek bed, and he was yelling, just verbally berating the dog. The dog would start a bit, then go back to sniffing, then start a bit.

And it basically killed me.

It's becoming ever more apparent to me that I love animals more than people. Like, way more. And I'm OK with this.

The Middle Space

You guys.

It occurs to me that I only have two speeds: 0 and 100. I'm used to operating at 100: teaching, consulting, doing homework, frantically reading and writing and pseudo-adulting so that the house stays in one piece and the rabbit occasionally gets fed.

But now. It's so weird not having classes or homework. I'm not graduated yet but I'm not exactly living the life of a student anymore, either. The panic and the urgency of my classes have been the central point for all the other tasks: the lesson planning and grading and presentations. Now, though, I have meetings with my chair once a month and in between those I'm left to my own devices to do a ton of research and writing. With no daily or even weekly deadlines. With no regular homework.

It's downright liberating. I think it may be too liberating. Because what happens is that if I'm not going 100 mph, I'm going - you guessed it - zero.

I'm binge watching Netflix and reading for fun and cooking Blue Apron and eating way too much. I'm not biking to work everyday (because I don't go to campus everyday) and I've discovered that Pillsbury makes flaky cinnamon rolls (!) and also that Dijiorno frozen pizza is very good.

This weekend I re-potted a plant. Like, just for fun! Isn't she a beauty?

I say all this to say: I don't know what to do with myself in this middle space.

My schedule is manageable and that's a good thing. I can breathe and think and relax and spend time with G and Roo. We went to a movie on Saturday! And I didn't feel rushed and stressed and like it was a major inconvenience. We just, like, went. And then talked about it. And then had dinner with friends.

Whose life am I living??? This is remarkable and yet I'm thrown entirely off balance. I feel like I can't enjoy this new (permanent?) phase because the Type A part of my brain (the part with the loud speaker) is looking over her shoulder for the ball to drop. She's waiting for us to realize that we forgot to take a class or read a book or write a paper and the gig's up, and we're not actually graduating and in fact we have to start all over.

Pass the Xanax.
#Firstworldproblems.

Special Guest

Today was national take your bunny to work day.

Not really, but my coworkers have been bugging me basically nonstop to bring Roo in, so today I caved. And she went to work with mama for just a little while.

I brought her in and got her all settled in my writing consultant office, then went off to teach. They bunny sat and basically got zero work done until I came back. And can I just say I now know how all you parents feel once kiddos enter the picture. People didn't even see me. I was invisible. I was merely a vessel for the bunny. My sole purpose and identity were only in relation to her.

I have noticed a growing anxiety about the bun bun these days. At home, all is well. But bringing her out today was very hard for me. And - to be honest - G wasn't super comfy with it, either. I have a hard time enjoying and sharing Roo because I'm so scared that something will happen to her and it will be all my fault for trying something new. It's irrational but it doesn't feel irrational. We've been burned by the sudden passing of Lucy, and I wonder how long it will take to get over that. Is it even possible to get over that?

I feel this way about Roo:

And it was so fun to give my coworkers a bit of pet therapy today. Every day should start off with bunny lovins...