The Pay Off

Do you know what this is?

It is the tired and beleaguered face of someone who has been invited to publish in a humanities journal!

The invitation doesn't secure publication, but my advisors are optimistic. Which means I'm optimistic. Which means I may or may not have alternated between Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, and Lady Gaga while running errands today.

I needed this. It has been an unbelievably long and stressful semester. I took a chance on this journal and I'm really, really hoping it pays off. Maybe it already has.

Harshin' My Buzz

Real life has come crashing in on me and it's harshing my buzz. Can you even say "harshing my buzz" in Denver? The buzz is such a real and concrete thing that I'm not sure citizens are allowed to speak in metaphor about it.

Anyhoo.

I presented at a local conference yesterday and it went really well! It's been in progress for the whole semester and I just about floated out of the room afterwards, I was so happy it was done. My group received some amazing kudos. I ended up working at the event the rest of the day, smiling and chatting away while inwardly hyperventilating about the amount of work I have to do before Monday.

This is what I want to do all the time:

Lucy loves to hang out behind the couch, close to a window we keep cracked open when the weather is nice outside. She hunkers down and snoozes the day away, which, to me, sounds like the best plan ever.

Here's a side view:

All I have done today is grade for the side job and work on one of my last weekly papers for the theory class. I've been in High Pissy Mode for several hours, but then I finished everything and became human again.

I have to make it three more weeks.

And then I'm going to sleep and read and eat and do yard work all summer long.

It's Friday? Already?

I tell you, when you're not working the week absolutely flies by! When I woke up this morning, I was like, "It's Friday? Already? Where did the week go?!" Trust me when I say that's never, ever, what I think on Friday mornings.

The peeps leave tonight and I don't even want to think about it. So let's talk about something else.

Yesterday was Garden of the Gods and exploring Colorado Springs.

Obviously the weather was hideous, as usual. We ended up spending so much time wandering around that we got sunburned. I didn't notice until later last night when my face started hurting and itching.

Garden of the Gods and Pikes Peak in the background.

Things got a little cray cray out at Balanced Rock.

 

We met up with G (you know, the one person who's managing to hold down a job and bring in income) for dinner at THE PLANE RESTAURANT. Remember that? When I took G to eat there as a Christmas present one time? Wife of the year and all that?

We had dinner inside the plane. It's probably the most relaxed I've ever been inside a plane, I'll tell you that. 

Time for a second cup of coffee and the teensiest bit of grading before we're off to explore some more. Do you think they'll notice if I just don't take them to the airport? Ever?

Getting Out

One of the best things about having my bro and SIL here (other than getting to harass them in person on a daily basis instead of via text messages) is that I've been able to step out of the oppressive daily routine and explore CO with them.

Yesterday we started with a walking tour of Red Rocks. They loved everything except the lack of oxygen. I remember that feeling.

Then we hiked Dinosaur Ridge and looked at the bones, fossils, and footprints along the side of the mountain. This is one of my favorite things to do in this area; it just blows my mind to be walking along and see a bunch of dinosaur stuff! That is so surreal!

A view of Red Rocks from Dinosaur Ridge.

See the big circular rock lodged in the sediment? Apparently it formed like that 1,298,345,987 years ago or something.

Look closely at the next series of pictures. Pretend that you are underneath the bottom of a creek bed. You can see enormous dinosaur footprints preserved in the rock. In the picture below, look at the round section in the middle. That's a footprint!

In the picture below, there are two footprints: the big white blob, and the cone-shaped brown section of rock in the lower left.

It was a beautiful Colorado day and we walked around outside for hours. My body was like, this is what we're talking about. No writing. No reading. No grading. Only the teensiest bit of teaching before dashing off campus to have fun all day. This is the kind of life I should be living. Someone needs to do something about that.

We spent the afternoon meandering around Cherry Creek Mall (read: Haagen Dazs ice cream for DAYZ) and then took the most refreshing nap before G got home from work and we schlepped across town to:

CASA BONITA!

My SIL had never had the ... shall we say, experience, of Casa Bonita, so it was 100% necessary that we make a trip. We took a series of selfies out front, but right before he snapped each one, G would say something totally inappropriate about the food and we would die laughing. This is the one that turned out best:

I like this picture below. It looks like the streets of Mexico or something, but it's the middle of a colossal restaurant. It's like Taco Bell meets Vegas.

We were gonna cap off the experience with a trip to VooDoo Donuts on Colfax, but it was 4/20. In Denver. So, you know, no. Some other time maybe.

It's so great to have them here. And not just because I get a break from all the work. :) Or, at least, that's what I keep telling myself. :)

Look Who's Here!

They were supposed to come out over the weekend but then it decided to snow 1,000 feet.

So they finally got here yesterday.

Today we explored Boulder. Crazy times!

I've managed to hit the pause button on all of my work except for teaching. I've discovered that this is how I need to live on a daily basis. Go teach one class then spend the rest of the day exploring Colorado with my family. Yes, please!

G loves when we flood his phone with photos of us having a blast while he's at work. It's like his favorite thing ever.

On the agenda for tonight: homemade spaghetti and meatballs. And a movie.

Back on Course

Alternate Post Title: How Anne Lamott Got Me Back on Course

I got so overwhelmed this semester that I started reading for fun again. It makes no sense and I have no time, but I realized that devoting every waking hour of the day to some form of work was not, well, working for me. So about 3 weeks ago, as I was crawling into bed with my theory book, I was like, no. And I went downstairs and picked up an Anne Lamott book. And I haven't put them down since.

I've said many times that I'm a huge Lamott fan. And I've said many times that she's not for everyone, particularly in the Christian world. Her use of F Bombs could, you know, turn some people off.

But.

Her books have put me back on course again. And I'm talking about her essays, not her fiction. I have needed a series of quick reads that are about real life. Not about theory or history or literary characters. Real characters.

As I've been working my way through her books (yet again), I've been mulling over how to be more present in my own life, and that has helped lead to the decision, as I've mentioned on here lately, to quit half The Jobs. I have worked so hard to get myself firmly situated in a new career field (whatever that means), that the thought of loosening my talons freaks me out.

But I want to take walks. And have the time to give friends rides home from work. I want moments of the day, hours even, when I don't have to grade. I want All The Time to read Virginia Woolf over the summer and into the fall. I want to build more lesson plans and shake things up a bit. I want to get together with friends, way, way more often that I am currently able to.

So, I must make more time. I must let some things go.

Anne Lamott says that when you don't know what to do, you should seek wise counsel (very Biblical notion, that one). I've been praying (read: complaining to God and rolling my eyes a lot and asking him, who, exactly, thought that grad school was a good idea) and I thought I'd try my new plans out on my peeps, my safe people, and gauge their reactions.

None of them freaked out. They nonchalantly drank their wine or messed with their kids or messed with my rabbit while I repeated, in case they didn't understand me the first time, that, no really, I think I'm going to quit half The Jobs. No one asked me if I was triple sure or had I considered X, Y, and Z, or that maybe I should think about _______.

Hands down, across my little tribe, the consensus was, do it.

On Friday at a staff meeting, I made it official that I'm not working over the summer and I'm dropping my hours way down in the fall. In the next couple of weeks, I'll let the prof for my grading side job know so that he can make plans over the summer.

It's all happening! I'm really, really happy with my decision!

And my brother and SIL get here tomorrow! Oh, happy day! Let me hurry up and finish grading and then cobble together a theory paper...

Book Storage

In the effort to cut down on this:

I recently got this:

I've designated it for my teaching and research books. It's currently about 3/4 full.

Last week I got up at 5:00 every morning to read theory (please kill me) so that I could spend every spare hour of the day (in between work and class) grading. So that I could finish my week's work by this weekend because my bro and SIL were supposed to be here.

Then the snow storms rolled in and all the flights were cancelled and they can't come for another couple of days. <sigh>

But there are worse things than being snowed in with G and Loo Loo Bell.

I am on my last few papers to grade and have been able to ruminate over my pending theory paper and brainstorm about my end-of-semester-honkin research paper. There have also been donuts.

Enough procrastinating. Back to it.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

Up until this week, no amount of light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel thinking was helping me. I've been too exhausted and too overwhelmed to deal with anything. I even - for the first time ever in my life - didn't turn in a weekly paper because I just couldn't find time to write it.

In addition to All The Theory and All The Jobs, I've been working on submitting an article for publication (not getting my hopes up) and prepping to present at an upcoming conference (which will totally rock). This hasn't left time for any form of sanity or, say, breathing.

But this week? I can see the light! And it looks like this:

See the Denver city skyline?

I've decided to quit my grading side job after this semester. Pretty much everyone in the world knows about this decision except the professor I grade for (or for whom I grade, if we're being English major-y). I get along with him really well and I think he's come to depend on me quite a bit - to the point that he's asked me to guest lecture in his class (I said no) - so I'm trying to tip toe around him and find someone to take my place before I break the news to him. I'm not having much luck. Also, I'm still buried in grading, but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, this one has still been feeling great! She loves to listen to the washing machine fill up, and since we spend a lot of time doing laundry, she's begun to spend a lot of time sitting in front of that room. Like this:

My view if I peek over the back of the couch.

She hangs out while the water fills up. As soon as the machine kicks in, she gets bored and hops away to chew on things.

I have also decided to take the summer off. No work for me. We have lots of things planned and lots of family coming to visit. I somehow have to create a brand new syllabus for a brand new (to me) class. My students have gotten sneaky and have stopped asking me if I'm teaching Comp II. Instead, they just looked it up and registered for it! So I have students from this semester and even past semesters in my fall classes - I really look forward to that!

I heart Denver.

And I'm registered for fall, myself! I think it will be my best semester of grad school, so I've decided to cut back on work, just for that one semester, which was another contributing factor regarding quitting the side job. I'm only going to work about 15 hours a week at the writing consultant job, just for the fall. I'm taking a very intensive Virginia Woolf independent study (so intensive that I'll do about half the work for it over the summer) and a Contemporary Feminist Thought class that serves, essentially, as Feminist Thought II. It is going to rock so. much.

After next semester, I will only focus on one or two remaining credits (such as Medieval Literature, kill me now, and my final capstone project, kill me again).

My nephew gets me.

But, Japan.

And a visit from by bro and SIL.

And a trip to see Gama.

Lots of family time.

Summer reading!

NAPS!!!!!!!

Yard work.

See? There's the light.

"Fashion"

I wanted to title this post "On Aging" but that title would apply to, like, everything about my life experience right now. I'm contemplating a series of posts. Which is to say, over the next few weeks I'll probably ramble on and on about it.

Today let's focus on "fashion."

Go watch "Sisters" immediately.

Suffice it to say I've never been what you might call a 'fashionable' person. I spend my time, money, and energy on other things. I want to be into things like makeup and clothes that match, but in daily life, where the rubber meets the road, I'm drawn to flowing skirts and basically anything with an elastic waist band. And comfortable shoes. I stand and walk too much to wear anything that looks good from the waist down.

I've always navigated toward baggy loose clothing, and when you're young that's not a problem. It looks comfortable, casual. When you're not young, baggy clothes make you look homeless. Or perhaps like you're suffering from dementia. As if you should be pushing a buggy instead of carrying a backpack.

This was brought to the forefront of my mind when I decided not to pack an actual suitcase for the GIRLZ Weekend. I was only going to wear one outfit, so what was it going to be? I contemplated jeans for like .014 seconds and then ran for my baggiest skirt. And my orthopedic shoes. I looked like this for 3 days:

Here's the kicker: I look like that all the time.

The thing about aging is that I know I'm not fashionable and I don't care all that much. Most of my mental effort comes from wanting to care, but the actual caring part never manifests. I think it went out for a smoke break and forgot to ever come back.

One part of aging is that I have to - and I mean that in the literal sense, have to - get my hair done about every four weeks. Somewhere in my mid-thirties, all the pigment in my hair follicles just walked off the job. It has been laying on a beach drinking cocktails ever since and I'm basically screwed. I've gone to the same stylist the entire time I've lived in Denver. A few months ago I walked in and she did a double take. For a split second I thought I might not be fully clothed or something and I was like, "What??" She goes - and I quote - "I don't think I've ever seen you in anything besides sweat pants."

My weekend look.

I contemplated her statement for a long time. Months, actually. It really bothered me at first because I don't want to be the type of person who looks lazy and unkempt. The next two times I went in for a hair overhaul, I wore jeans. But then I relapsed into my default setting. The thing is, I work really, really hard. I look mostly professional any time that I have to encounter anyone in a professional setting, which is most of my week, and adds up to most of my life.

My days off? Those are mine. My legs work hard, so I'm going to cut them some slack and cover them with fuzziness instead of denim. My hair is usually in my face and I try hard not to tug it all behind my ears, so when I'm off? It goes back into a ponytail.

And don't get me started on my shoes.

There are many undesirable (to put it lightly) things about aging. If you're lucky, and I think I am, you get a crap ton of self-awareness. This doesn't feel lucky, though. Like, it doesn't feel great to know that I look like a 40-something homeless person. It doesn't feel great to look like I look and interact with a bunch of teenagers all day. (Every year I get older. Every year they stay 19 years old. That's super fun.)

But God balances the self-awareness with a hefty dose of perspective, or "giving less effs" about it all. I'm a smart girl. I know that I could look better if I spent more time in the morning...and at night...and if I restricted at meal time...and if I sacrificed sleep for exercise...and if, for Heaven's sake, I'd put down the Now and Laters...

OR

I could settle in to who I am and just be OK with it.

TGIF people!

A little spring seasonal humor on April Fool's Day.