On being an introvert

I don't think I have always been an introvert.  I think back to my school days and pretty much know that I was an extrovert.  But somewhere during college and grad school I introverted.  Then over the past few years I seriously introverted.  It has little to do with how much I like people (which happens to be a lot!), or like being around them (my preference is one-on-one).  It mostly has to do with a mental energy level - as in, mine is waning and I need more and more time to myself in order to get it back.

At this point in our culture's awareness of personality types and such, I don't think the whole introvert/extrovert classification is a big mystery anymore.  I do think, though, that many people confuse introversion with shyness (untrue), social awkwardness (also untrue), or a general dislike of people (sort of untrue - ha!  JK!).

Introverts, due to the active life of the inner mind for lack of a better description, are often quite articulate, quite social and quite lovable.  When people somehow find out that I'm an introvert, they often don't believe me.  Adamantly.  As if I don't really know myself and somehow missed this trait.  They say, "But you're so nice!" and "But you're so good around people!"  What they don't know is that after a particularly busy/social week at work, I will often crash on the couch for hours, reading, watching TV, or sleeping.  I need the solitude to get my mojo back.

I have been thinking about this because this week I was supposed to go to happy hour on Monday and Tuesday after work, and both were cancelled.  The thing is, I was looking forward to them (truly) and when they were cancelled, I was happy just to go home and have a normal night (truly).  Now, the difference is that these events were not with close friends; in that situation I really would have been disappointed.  You guys know I like my time with you.  But notice how it is usually one-on-one?  And in those cases I can talk to you until you're blue in the face and are begging for another glass of wine?  And I have been known to get up and follow you into the kitchen as you pour the glass, blabbering all the while?

The fact that I'm able to open up to you like that is that we have a connection and also that we talk about things that capture my interest; and in those cases I can go on...well, you know, too long.  Ha.

It is an interesting thing, being married to an introvert as well.  Now that we are living apart for a bit, there are many phone calls that consist of...silence.  We talk for a while, catch up, and then there are long stretches of nothing.  Because it is enough just to be on the line with each other; we don't have a need to fill it all up with words.  When we Face Time, G will often leave the phone facing Orca so that I can watch her, and we don't even say anything.  To me, that is like being home.  It enables me to be myself, and be with my family, and get my energy back.

When G and I go for hikes, or lay around and read on the weekends, or walk around a shopping mall, he will often break a LONG silence by exclaiming, "Just two introverts having fun on a Saturday!!" and it is hilarious.

To me, the hardest part about being so far away from you, my friends, is not the distance, it is the introversion.  Phone calls are not only hard for me to fit into my schedule, but they are not the best way that I express myself.  It is not a case of not wanting to talk to you - in fact, I think of you many times a day and if you were with me, I would be able to see you, read your gestures and mannerisms, and connect with you on a very deep level.  But on the phone, all we have are words, and to me, that is like only being able to see one corner of a picture.  And it is hard for me.  Which is why I text all the time, and email when I can.  I get my point across in a comfortable way for me, and I try to connect with you that way.  Notice how it is nonverbal?

You may think, what is so hard about a phone call?  But you would be surprised.  I always thought something was wrong with me until I read "Quiet" by Susan Cain.  She goes into great depth explaining introversion (brain development, personality traits, and how these play out in today's world).  It felt like someone was holding up a mirror to me and saying, this is what you are like and this is why. Or, at least partially why.

Source

I highly recommend this book if you are an introvert or if you're not.  It elaborates on extroverts as well, and sheds light on the differences in how the two process information and communicate.

The bottom line?  Buy a plane ticket and come visit me!  I could use some time with you in person.  :)