The problem with the "right now" point of view

Today was one of those days.  Before I even opened my eyes this morning, I thought, it's too hard - I just can't do this.  I don't mean 'hard' in a depression sort of way, as in not being able to face life.  I just mean it in a logistics sort of way; I feel like I can't take one more frantic, non-stop day.

It's just hard to leave the house at 6:30 a.m. knowing I won't be back until 9:00 p.m.  And then I won't be able to find work clothes for tomorrow.  And that we still need to buy a shower head but we don't have time and so the water will peel my skin off.  And I have to get a few chores done tonight, so by the time I crawl into bed, I'll only have the mental stamina to read about 1 page in my book and then I'll fall asleep.

And it will start all over again.

Wash.  Rinse.  Repeat.

Multiply by 2.  How's THAT for a calculation??

More than once I have questioned the wisdom of trying to balance all this stuff: working full time/moving out of the apartment under a self-imposed deadline/applying to a grad program/studying for the GRE.  Nothing is ever as simple as it seems and when you start to combine various activities, the results are just too stressful.

I get stressed out when I concentrate on the "right now" point of view.  As in, I can't handle all of these things right now!  But I don't have to; I just have to handle things step by step.  Today was an example: Handle work, then handle class, then handle chores for tomorrow.

The square root of -7 divided by 4 to the power of 50...Is the answer Orphan Black?  No?  Is the answer a grande vanilla latte? 

I am living smack dab in the middle of a means to an end.  We will get out of the apartment and we will be able to focus on the house.  My GRE classes will end (soon!) and I'll have a full month to force myself to study.  In a week, geez, in less than that, things will calm down.  The challenge is simply getting through the next couple of days.

Bill Cosby said, "To truly succeed, you need to want success more than you fear failure."  That is me.  In my heart of hearts I really do believe I have what it takes to be admitted to grad school; it will come down to the GRE, which is trite and inane and all kinds of other adjectives that are not PG-13 appropriate.

2+2=22, right?  More red wine, please!

Sometimes I wonder if it's God's will for me to get accepted, or if it would be better for me (for my family, for my career, for my future) if I don't get accepted, or if this is even one of those things that factors into God's will.  The truth is, if this is a matter of His will, and if He wills me to be accepted then nothing can prevent me from it, not even a bleepity bleep bleep standardized exam.  And if He wills me to not be accepted, then nothing in the world can make it happen.  It just is what it is, or as G says, it beez what it beez.

I know so very little right now.  I mean that literally (about the math AND about my future).  But the light at the end of the tunnel is the long tomorrow, not the short, crazy, frantic, stressed out today.