Reality Check (or: How to be a grown-up)

I have been debating whether or not to post about this.  My Day of Reckoning with Trainer Ben did not go well earlier this week.  Remember the pound and the body fat that I lost the first four weeks?  Well, I gained it back.  I was not a happy camper.  There may have been some despair.  There were definitely some cuss words.  And there has been a slew of anger and mental processing since then.

Aptly put:  a sign posted in my gym

The problem is not lack of exercise.  The problem is overeating.  As it turns out, food combinations really, really matter.

Here's what I can't reconcile in my mind:  I'm a disciplined person.  I'm determined, resilient and smart. I'm energetic and motivated and I try try try to give it all I've got, as a state of mind and as a way of life.  And I have been overweight most of my life.  I am certainly overweight now.  But it's not because I pig out on Snickers Bars all day long.  It is because I have YET to figure out a more controlled, calorie-restricted food system (I don't believe in diets) to consistently follow.  On the days I nail it, I really nail it.  On the days I don't, well...here we are.

I think there are some underlying reasons why I turn to food not only for fuel but also as a coping mechanism, and I'm exploring those reasons.  Let me tell you how much fun I'm having.  But also, at a deeper level, I think I keep expecting it to get easy.  Like, one day I'll wake up and life just won't be hard anymore.  And I think it's this base thought - this completely flawed assumption - that is messing me up.  It's not going to be easy.  If it were easy to control our cravings and food temptations, everyone would be thin and Krispy Kreme would be bankrupt (although I would never wish that on them in a million years).

I think that my mind is in a tizzy because I associate progress with doing something.  With studying hard; going to work every single day; fighting the good fight.  And the solution to my overeating would be to stop the doing and start the stopping.  It's hard for a Type A with my driven personality to cease activity.  It is not hard for me to work out because that's the doing.  It is hard for me to stop shoving food in my face because that's the not doing.  You know those control types who starve themselves?  That's so not my problem.

Me at a healthy weight

My "normal" weight these days that is driving me bananas

So I feel like after eight weeks of training, I have learned all kinds of exercises that I am implementing.  I have not learned what to do about food.  So, it's back to square one for me and, so help me God and Jesus and the heavenly host and Orca, I'm GOING to figure this out.  And I'm going to do it in a healthy way - I refuse to live on protein shakes and chicken breasts.

I once saw a Beth Moore Bible Study video (this was forever ago) and she was talking about beauty being on the inside, and she was joking about the lengths women go to for their looks.  She stared intently into the camera, waved her index finger "in my face" and said, in her sweet Southern drawl, "May there not be a chicken breast in Heaven.  Am I right sisters?  Amen!"

A.M.E.N.