The Middle Space

You guys.

It occurs to me that I only have two speeds: 0 and 100. I'm used to operating at 100: teaching, consulting, doing homework, frantically reading and writing and pseudo-adulting so that the house stays in one piece and the rabbit occasionally gets fed.

But now. It's so weird not having classes or homework. I'm not graduated yet but I'm not exactly living the life of a student anymore, either. The panic and the urgency of my classes have been the central point for all the other tasks: the lesson planning and grading and presentations. Now, though, I have meetings with my chair once a month and in between those I'm left to my own devices to do a ton of research and writing. With no daily or even weekly deadlines. With no regular homework.

It's downright liberating. I think it may be too liberating. Because what happens is that if I'm not going 100 mph, I'm going - you guessed it - zero.

I'm binge watching Netflix and reading for fun and cooking Blue Apron and eating way too much. I'm not biking to work everyday (because I don't go to campus everyday) and I've discovered that Pillsbury makes flaky cinnamon rolls (!) and also that Dijiorno frozen pizza is very good.

This weekend I re-potted a plant. Like, just for fun! Isn't she a beauty?

I say all this to say: I don't know what to do with myself in this middle space.

My schedule is manageable and that's a good thing. I can breathe and think and relax and spend time with G and Roo. We went to a movie on Saturday! And I didn't feel rushed and stressed and like it was a major inconvenience. We just, like, went. And then talked about it. And then had dinner with friends.

Whose life am I living??? This is remarkable and yet I'm thrown entirely off balance. I feel like I can't enjoy this new (permanent?) phase because the Type A part of my brain (the part with the loud speaker) is looking over her shoulder for the ball to drop. She's waiting for us to realize that we forgot to take a class or read a book or write a paper and the gig's up, and we're not actually graduating and in fact we have to start all over.

Pass the Xanax.
#Firstworldproblems.