Trying to Figure It Out (Or: The Voices)

Happy Valentine's Day, loves.

We don't really celebrate it, but I'll admit that I wouldn't feel loved if I didn't get my annual romantic gift of the latest Orphan Black season.

Best. Show. Ever. (Besides Homeland. And Frasier.)

If only I had time to watch it. <<sigh>> That's what summer is for, I guess. <<colossal eye roll>>

As you've probably noticed (because, let's be honest, my blog is such a huge part of your life) from Monday - Thursday, it's pretty much radio silence on here. That's because I can't figure out how to keep my head above water. I don't want this blog to have only two settings: (1) school is in session and I gripe about being busy, and (2) school is not in session and all I do is eat and hike.

However, whenever I think about posting more serious thoughts on here, I always think it will be boring? And then I recall how interesting it is (to me) when other people blog about serious stuff...

Lucy, however, does NOT find blogs interesting.

And then an astute and brilliant reader called me out on my comment about stuffing down the voices in my head, about ignoring them so that I can have fun - make time for fun - during stressful periods of life.

Let's admit it - we're all busy and stressed out at least 95% of the time. Welcome to America. One of the reasons I tend to get so preoccupied with goals is because I think the more goals I make, the more I can use my Type A personality to my advantage and make sure that I'm accomplishing some of the things I want to in life, rather than just becoming a better doer: a better teacher, writing consultant, grader, worker. And I think this because, for me, it's true.

But you know that already because I blog about goals ad nauseam, so what about the voices, then?

I've been thinking about the voices and paying more attention to them lately, and I've come to realize that most of the time they run the show. And that's OK because most of the time I let them: I mostly live in Productive Mode and need to get stuff done. But what about the times I want to shut them off and have fun? Like the weekend in Chicago? I think it's possible for me to shut those voices up because I know myself and trust that I'll get the work done. Chicago is actually a perfect example of this: I didn't forsake my homework. I just crammed it into certain hours of the day: I read on the plane; I graded at night in the hotel room; I read in the mornings and at night; I spent the entire last day we were there writing a paper. I just remembered to enjoy the view and to eat good food while I was at it.

The beautiful lobby of the hotel where I started my paper. While eating a lobster roll.

So, on the one hand, maybe I don't shut the voices up, per se. Maybe I just hit the pause button for a few hours in order to enjoy myself. The homework and grading are hanging over my head, but I'm not looking up at them. I'm looking at the Giordano's pizza or the man eaters of Tsavo. Maybe I'm not shutting them out altogether but I'm extremely effective at tamping them down temporarily.

On the other hand, this is an area of my life in which I have made legit progress.

The only voices that get to speak in my head are the helpful ones, the ones who are saying, "Um? Knock knock! You have a paper to write!" and "Should you be double-fisting the Now & Laters? I don't think so." and "Re-watching the latest episode of Billions for the third times sounds fun, but what about your grading? How about doing that instead, hmm?" Sometimes I listen, and sometimes I'm like, "Thanks for the reminder! But I'm going to do what I want for a sec, mm kay?"

The voices who say mean and self-destructive things get shot in the head. Immediately. 

The mean voices in my head used to win all the time. For the majority of my life, actually. They had full reign of my psyche and kept me from enjoying all kinds of things. They used to consume me; I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Meaning, I couldn't enjoy the present moment for fear of what was coming next. This ruined lots of things and goes much deeper than just "voices in my head," but all this to say that I speak from experience. And the experience has helped me to identify the voices and forget all about reasoning with them: I get the gun and shoot them in the head.

So. The voices can tell me that I should put down the TV remote and pick up the theory book but they can not tell me that I should be consumed with thoughts of work with G is telling me about his day. The voices can knock on the inside of my brain and remind me that the doughnut I'm staring at is not the best decision, but they can not wake me up in the middle of the night and paralyze me with thoughts of teaching/reading/writing/driving/talking/working/eating tomorrow.

After the longest week ever, I treated myself to a nice dinner and some quiet time to study last Thursday night. It was totally unexpected and just perfect.

I'm not sure if this answer's my astute reader's question. In a nutshell, I only allow certain voices to speak to me. They are safe. So I put up with them most of the time because they are just looking out for me. When they cross the line, they get tamped down by the latest episode of Real Housewives of Whatever or a Taylor Swift song at high volume or the latest Serial podcast or a day roaming around the Field Museum. They retreat and calm down. Then they come bug me again when it really and truly is time to get to work. And then I roll my eyes and start grading.