Good grief

Around this time last year my Papa died.  I come from a very small family.  I mean, count-all-the-people-on-one-hand small.  My grandparents were such an integral part of my life (they had just turned 40 when I was born!) that whenever I think of my childhood, memories with them are the only things that come to mind.  Although I've always been closer to my Gama, I inherited the defining characteristics of my personality from Papa:  love of adventure, love of animals and all things outdoors, belief in God, love of reading, sense of humor and practical jokes.  To this day, my Papa is one of the most fun-loving and hilarious people I've ever known. 

A couple of years ago, Papa found out he had Alzheimer's, which runs a mean streak in our family.  At first, its effects were gradual.  He would wander off in the middle of a conversation, then catch himself, the shame visible on his face.  It didn't take long until he would automatically smile at the people he knew, but no recognition would come.  The last time I saw him, he could still move on his own, and every time I came in the room, his eyes would flash and his mouth would open in his trademark grin.  Every visible reaction was the same as it had been all my life - but then there was the awful truth that he just didn't know who I was.  It was like he was operating out of sheer muscle memory or something.  After gradually fading into the distance, he disappeared over the horizon forever.

When he died, my foundation shifted and everything toppled.  A year later, I've just begun to sort through the rubble.  Not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about him.  I can still hear the sound of his voice and almost exactly what he would say about certain stories I wish I could tell him.

I've come to appreciate the grief, though, as unwelcome as it was.  It has taught me that only a very strong (and biased) love can lead to such sadness.  It has taught me that death can take Papa away, but it has no power to take away the good times we had and all the lessons he taught me.  Love is stronger than death, than grief, than all the emotional turmoil.  Love is a force to be reckoned with, and it will always prevail.